thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

birdonabird:

avatar-14:

tastefullyoffensive:

(via lowghen)

MAKE HIM REGRET

*spec prep*

BEING BORN

*spec prep*

So my husband tells a story about a guy he worked with at his first job. They’d regularly go to a Thai restaurant near their office - one of those really legit places where grandma is the chef. So the guy says one day to their server, looks this girl dead in the eye, and says “You can’t make it hot enough.”

Server gives him this look like “your funeral” and takes the order to the kitchen. GRANDMA COMES OUT AND LOOKS AT THIS POOR WHITE BOY, shakes her head, and goes back in the kitchen.

When the dish comes out, it’s a solid mass of just RED. Dudes at the table are dying just sitting near it. This guy tries his damnedest, gets about five bites in, and can’t do it. Mr You-cant-make-it-hot-enough was fucking obliterated by Chef Grandma.

And to add insult to injury, they replaced the dish for him, and GRANDMA BRINGS IT OUT, gives him a look and shakes her head.

I think there’s a reasonable chance this was his receipt.

HE BROUGHT IT ON HIMSELF BY TALKING SHIT ABOUT THEIR PAD THAI

thebootydiaries:

My girlfriend: *studiously doing her accounting homework, listening to instrumental music, very focused*

Me: *upside down in my desk chair* do you think stars have feelings

nursery:

first date with me is watching shrek and then i fight you during the credits

turing-tested:

ymawgat:

turing-tested:

dogs are incapable of sin

but not of mischief !!!

you’re right

atsthetic:

homestucky:

therelatableftm:

calibornsbottombitch:

coltcelestia:

modebatty:

Why has this got so many notes what the fuck Tumblr

1) It’s title says something
2) The pictures provide what the title says
3) It ends with someone dramatically looking toward the camera

cause its funny look how thin that watermelon is its just flapping in the wind thats absurd

russiacore:

me, applying a hydrating serum to my skin: have a fucking sip babe

biggest-gaudiest-patronuses:

robotmango:

getting food poisoning is a sick irony. sandwich, you were supposed to nourish my fragile meat body, not conspire with one section of it to kill the rest. you edible brutus, you fredo, you fucking intestinal quisling

this post shows true literary prowess but i wish i hadn’t read it while finishing my sandwich 

fayheda:

dovahkiin-official:

is everyone who reblogged this okay?

no

fidefortitude:

slumbermancer:

basically, i think the general rule of thumb is: if someone REALLY wants the blood that’s inside of your body, and they’re like… a vampire, or a dracula, or some sort of mansquito, then that’s probably okay. a dracula and a mansquito are made for removing things like blood and swords from inside your body. that’s basically fine.

if something wants to get at your blood, and they’re, say, some kind of murdersaurus, or maybe a really big frog, that’s where the problems start to arise. a really frog is not made for removing blood, and your blood knows this, which is why it is so vehement about wanting to stay IN your body instead of coming out. 

unfortunately this will not deter a really big frog, because a really big frog is full of things like prizes, and value, and quite a lot of hatred, and it would REALLY rather like to replace any and all of those things with your blood, and basically by any means possible.

These words scan with a fantastic degree of confidence considering that together they make no sense at all

imsoshive:

Me: *finally finds peace and happiness in life*

That bullshit:

raiseyourweapon:

babyanimalgifs:

Remember to take it slow with the frozen treats

Legitimately tried not to laugh and failed about 2 seconds in

thebootydiaries:

White boy: what are you doing now haha

Me: shower

White boy’s inner monologue: you fool! You’ve activated my trap card, “Without me? ;)” it will send your patience card to the graveyard and dock you 1000 life points!

nogf:

nogf:

I know we all hate this website but I am glad that we’ve at least realized here that overly-specific niche memes are a million times better than generic relatable memes

Average Facebook meme:

When you EAT FOOD 👌👌👌😂😂😂😂🔥🔥🔥🔥💯💯💯😂😂😂 #squadgoals #lit #litmemes

Average tumblr meme: